5.13.2009
A Double Helping of Love
I just want to share with you an article from the Mother's Day issue of the Sunday Inquirer Magazine. It features my mom and I and my perspective on how it is to be raised by a single mom. Coincidentally, this came out the day after my wedding. 
A Double Helping of Love
FAMILY, says Mara Gonzalez, 28, “is not about having both a father and a mother.” Although she’s not discounting the importance of having both parents around, she believes that “the love, support and respect each member has for the other are just as critical. And you can still get these even if you only have one parent around.”
Mara speaks from experience. She and younger brother Arvin have been raised by a single mother who, this daughter says unabashedly, is her hero and idol. “I’ve never felt embarrassed about having a single mom. In fact, I’m very proud of her for raising us single-handedly and giving us a good life”
Her mother, Annie Serrano, has always been very open about their situation, says Mara. “She didn’t leave us in the dark. We understood why things had to happen this way. My parents’ first separation happened when I was very young so I guess I didn’t really feel the impact then. But when they got back together and separated again when I was 10, it was more difficult to handle. I was much older then and had gotten used to having a father. ”
She recalls: “During their second separation, I remember asking my mother bakit namamaga ang mata niya [why her eyes were swollen]. She said that she and dad were separating again and that she was pregnant. I remember crying as well. My dad had left for work by then, and I really pitied my mom. I thought she was in a bad situation –
having to raise another child without a husband. ”
Initially, things were just as difficult for her and her brother, she recounts. “Probably the worst aspect was the fact that my mom is the only parent we have. I remember waking up and crying at night whenever I’d find that my mom hadn’t come home from work yet. I would sometimes worry myself silly that something bad had happened to her.”
But there were a lot of good times as well, Mara adds. “I have a very good relationship with my mom. I think our situation made us stronger because we learned to count on each other for care and support.”
She particularly relishes the time when she was younger and they would play video and board games together. “I remember thinking back then, ‘Wow, I have such a cool mom!’"
And then there were the work-related outings when her mother would take her to workshops and seminars on gender. “I remember watching a slide show during one of her seminars titled ’How to Catch and Keep a Man.’ The slide show illustrated how media present women in stereotyped roles, which isn’t right. There’s really more to being a woman than catching a man by looking beautiful. I think that thought has helped me a lot in making decisions on relationships with the opposite sex,” says Mara.
It helped a lot too that her mother is feminist, she adds. “She would remind me that I should be assertive as a woman, and taught me how to recognize and avoid domestic violence. My mom would also remind my brother about this, saying, “Arvin ha, be good to your future wife.”
One high point of their relationship, recounts Mara, was hearing her mother say “how proud she was when she heard me tell an ex-boyfriend that his happiness cannot depend on me.”
Indeed, says this young pharmacist who works for a multinational drug company, her mom did everything to make sure she and her brother didn’t feel shortchanged by their situation. “We didn’t feel any different from other families because my lola [grandmother] and my mom were always there for us. They watched every cheerleading competition or play that I participated in, decorated our house with flowers to cheer me up when I worried about not graduating from college on time, and bought me my first ever corporate clothes for my first ever job interview. They were just there every step of the way!”
Family Day in school wasn’t a problem either. “Yes, we attended the annual family day, but only once or twice, and not because we felt different or left out, but because it wasn’t mandatory,” says Mara, giggling.
Instead, she recalls, her mom and their homeroom adviser organized a mini-family day for their 2nd year class. “It was a surprise! Our parents met us after our retreat and we had games. Then they shared stories about how it was to raise us and how we were very much loved, no ifs or buts about it.”
Such acceptance only reflects the changing attitudes about single parents, observes this University of the Philippines graduate. “I’m sure when my mom was first pregnant and single, rumors must have circulated about her. But I think when people saw how good a person and mother she is, they treated her with respect.”
Society, Mara notes, “has become more supportive of single parents. We even have a law on Solo Parenting (RA 8972- Ed.). People have started to recognize the efforts and hard work single parents put in to balance work and family. Hopefully, more companies would learn to give single parents a break through flexible working hours.”
Her classmates and friends are just as understanding, Mara reveals. “I remember one friend commenting that my situation is far better than those of other children whose parents fight all the time. Sadly, there are parents who live together under one roof but fight all the time. They say they’re staying together ‘for the sake of the children,’ but they have to realize that their behavior towards each other affects their children adversely.”
Not that things were always perfect on the home front, Mara clarifies. “I would have wanted my brother and me to have a stronger relationship with our dad. After all, he is still our father and I still want him to be a part of my life in spite of our situation.”
Her grandmother and great grandmother tried to fill in that gap, however. “They would tell us endless anecdotes about my dad. This somehow helped us get to know him better as we didn’t spend as much time with him as other kids do with their fathers.”
Adds Mara: “The good thing about my mom is that she never made us hate our dad and never made us feel that our dad didn’t love us. That’s why when people ask about my dad, I just explain to them that my parents are separated and I live with my mom. People would also ask if I still get to see my dad, and I would say that when I was younger, he would visit me every Saturday. Now that I’m older, we have an occasional lunch to catch up, or sometimes I e-mail him about the happenings in my life.”
The rewards far outstrip the drawbacks of her situation, she says. “One of the good things that came out of being raised by a single parent is that I learned to be more responsible and independent. As I wanted to make things easier for my mom, I would help her out in any way that I could. When I was much younger, I did a lot of household chores with the guidance of my lola. I would water the plants, make the beds, wash the dishes, etc.”
When her mother left to work in Afghanistan for a United Nations agency, she took over the monthly budgeting and played surrogate mom to her younger brother, Mara adds proudly.
If she were to write a thank-you note to her mom, Mara says she’d thank her most for three things:
1. “For raising us and sacrificing a lot to give us the best life one could ever have;
2. For always being there to support us through the good times and bad;
3. For being the best mom there is!”
Three Things I Learned from Mom
By Mara Gonzalez
1. “Living with my mom and lola, I learned how important it is for children to be raised and surrounded by love from family and friends, even if both parents are not together anymore.
2. I learned that marriage is a work in progress. Love is not the only thing that can keep a marriage going. There should be respect, genuine care, sincerity, support, etc.
3. I’ve also realized that it is important to love yourself first. When things get rough, it’s important to believe that you’ll get through it no matter what happens.”
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